1, or 2, or 3 Liners
M
Man
* By the time a man fully understands women, he’s not interested anymore.
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* For every man there is a woman, and he’s lucky if his wife never finds out.
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* Take it like a man. Blame everything on your wife.
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* This is still a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases.
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All men are created free and equal; then they grow up and get married.
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* A family man is a man who has replaced the money in his wallet with picture of his wife and kids.
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* There are three kinds of men who will never understand women: yound men, middle-aged men, and old men.
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Every man expects his wife to be a sweetheart, a cook, a laundress, a valet, an attentive audience, a seamstress, and a nurse.
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Men generally fall into three categories: the handsome, the clever, and the majority.
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Marriage
I’m the result of mixed marriage. My father was a man and my mother was a woman.
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* Research told us that 50% of all married people are wives.
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* I like to run my home like a ship with me as the captain. Too bad I married an admiral.
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After going steady for 12 years, we broke our engagement and got married.
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* The early part of our marriage was wonderful. The trouble started when we were leaving the church.
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* She’s so busy planning her fourth wedding, she doesn’t have time to cook for her third husband.
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* My best friend married my sister; now he hates me like a brother.
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* I remember when and where I got married, but what escapes me is why?
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Marriage are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
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It can take a man several marriages to understand the importance of monogamy. ~ Jason Love
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* Isn’t marriage wonderful? To be able to sit in your own home, relax, drink beer and all night watch your wife’s favorite programs.
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* My ambition is to marry a rich girl who is too proud to let her husband work.
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* I was married for five years and never told anybody. I like to keep my troubles to myself.
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I asked her to marry me so she put me on her wedding list.
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They said my marriage wouldn’t last. My wife and I left the church together, didn’t we?
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Marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things you hadn’t expected.
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* It’s a give-and-take marriage. I give and she takes.
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We’re equal partners in our marriage. I’m the silent one.
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In all the years I’m married I never stopped being romantic. If my wife ever finds out, I’m dead.
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* They are a lovely couple. He’s willing to die for her and she’s willing to let him.
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I was crazy to get married, but I didn’t realize it at the time.
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She didn’t want to marry him for his money but it was the only way she could get it.
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* All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
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* Always get married early in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
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* Marrying a woman for her beauty is like buying a house for its paint.
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* “Are you married?”
“No. I was hit by a car.”
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* “Would you buy a letter opener?”
“Buy one? I married one!”
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* “They say Smith is getting married.”
“Serves him right. I never liked that fellow.”
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* “Dad, how much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know. I’m still paying for it.”
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“I can’t go out with you tonight. I’m getting married.”
“How about tomorrow night?”
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“Darling, today we are married 12 months.”
“It seems more like a year to me.”
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* “I don’t intend to be married until I’m 30.”
“I don’t intend to be 30 until I’m married.”
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“You’re the last man I ever expect to marry.”
“How many are there ahead of me?”
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* “You’re wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger.”
“I know. I married the wrong man.”
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“How can I get a wart off my hand?”
“Shoot him or marry him!”
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“Is Bill’s marriage a happy one?”
“I think so. I remember he was still smiling when he left the church.”
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“Are you married?”
“No, but I’m happily divorced.”
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Everyone should be married. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man. ~ Sam Goldwyn
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* If a woman insists on being called Ms ask her if that stands for miserable. ~ Russell Bell
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* There is at least one fool in every married couple. ~ Henry Fielding
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* The others were only my wives. But you, my dear, my fifth wife, will also be my widow. ~ Sacha Guitry
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* Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing. ~ Duane Dewel
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* A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. ~ Jean Rostand
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A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas. ~ Alice Glynn
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* Hanging on to a bad relationship is like chewing gum after the flavour is gone. ~ Rita Rudner
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* I have never married because I cannot mate in captivity. ~ Gloria Steinem
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* The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much. ~ Colin Chapman
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* In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. ~ Woody Allen
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* Marrying for love is a very recent idea. In the old country, they didn’t marry for love. A man married a woman because he needed an extra mule. ~ Woody Allen
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* The appropriate age for marriage is about eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men. ~ Aristotle
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* A wise woman will always let her husband have her way. ~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan
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* If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it. ~ Ezra Bowen
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Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world. ~ Malcolm Bradbury
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* I had a love-hate relationship with one of my husbands. He loved me, I hated him. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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* My wife doesn’t care what I do when I’m away as long as I don’t have a good time. ~ Lee Trevino
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* Marriage is a matter of give and take. You better give it to her, or she’ll take it anyway. ~ Joey Adams
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My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too. ~ Woody Allen
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* Have you ever started dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide? ~ Judy Tenuta
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I believe it is possible to obtain a divorce in the United States on the grounds of incompatibility. If that is true, I am surprised there are any marriages left in the United States. ~ G.K. Chesterton
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* Women are called the opposite sex because when you want to do anything they want to do the opposite. ~ Corey Ford
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* It is relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot. ~ Warren Thomas
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* I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth – she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’ll be happy, if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates
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* Why couldn’t we have arranged marriages in America? Al least you could spend the rest of your life blaming your parents instead of yourself. ~ Faith Corvatch
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What is fascinating about marriage is why anyone wants to get married. ~ Alain de Botton
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Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. ~ Stephen Leacock
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The trouble with marriage is that it’s relentless. Every morning when you wake up, it’s still there. ~ George Schneider
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When you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. ~ Shelly Winters
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A marriage is likely to be called happy if neither party ever expected to get much happiness out of it. ~ Bertrand Russell
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Even the God of Calvin never judged anyone as harshly as married couples judge each other. ~ Wilfred Sheed
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* The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. ~ Phyllis Diller
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Never question your wife’s judgement. Look at who she married.
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A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. ~ Robert Quillen
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* Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and just visit now and then. ~ Katharine Hepburn
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* The secret of marriage is: separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms. ~ Bette Davis
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* Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. ~ Helen Rowland
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* The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his check book open. ~ Groucho Marx
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* My husband believed that all women who want to should be free, equal, independent, creative, well informed, and lead stimulating, interesting lives. Except me. ~ Lucille Kallen
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* One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. ~ Judith Viorst
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* There is so little difference between husbands. You might as well keep the first. ~ Adela Rogers St John
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I never speak of my ex-husbands except under hypnosis. ~ Joan Collins
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You can tell that a marriage is on the rocks when a couple speak to each other rationally. ~ Leo Tolstoy
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* It doesn’t matter how often a couple have sex as long as it is the same number for both of them. ~ Marian Mills
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Marriage is a lot like boxing. Sometimes the preliminaries are better than the main event.
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* After so much effort and money, the latest research shows that the No.1 reason for divorce is marriage.
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She believes in early marriages. Her last three were before noon.
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Before marriage, it’s “I love you till the day I die.”
After marriage, it’s “I love you till the day you die.”
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Money
* The only thing you can get without money is sick.
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* You can’t have a race without race horses, but you sure can have money trouble without money.
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* Rich? He has bills with pictures of presidents you probably never heard of.
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Looks can be deceiving. A dollar bill looks the same as it did 10 years ago.
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* The real trouble with money is that you can’t use it more than once.
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* Whether you are rich or poor, it’s nice to have money.
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* Money isn’t everything, but it’s sure a cure for poverty.
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The dollar has now shrunk to the point where we should call it a dollarette.
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* Money can’t buy happiness, but have you tried to buy anything without it?
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Our floating currency is a sign of sinking economy.
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Anybody who can afford to pay the interest rates these days doesn’t need a bank loan.
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* You never know the real value of money until you try to borrow some.
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* It doesn’t matter if you are born poor and die poor as long as you’re rich in between.
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There is plenty of money around these days. The trouble is, everyone owes it to someone else.
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* There are bigger things in life than money: bills.
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* The reason coins are round is because they were made to circulate.
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I don’t know where my money is coming from, but my wife sure knows where it’s going.
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His credit rating is so bad, his money isn’t even accepted.
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Money isn’t important as long as you have it.
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“What is money?”
“The thing that you don’t have.”
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Money is not everything. But everything is money.”
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Money isn’t important as long as you don’t need them.
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Movie
* I went to a drive-in movie and somebody stole my car.
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* The picture was so bad, people were standing in line to get out.
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I never go to a picture unless I’ve seen it before. Then I know it’s good.
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* I took my wife to see a picture. It was the longest time we’ve spent together since our honeymoon.
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Some of today’s pictures are so long, it takes less time to read the book.
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This movie had a surprise ending. Just when you think it will never end, it does.
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He now has a leading part in the theater – he’s a head usher.
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The happiest ending in the movies is when the person behind you finishes his popcorn.
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Wouldn’t it be nice if you could go to the movies and see a picture as good as the one that’s coming next week?
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Music
He is very musical. As a child he played on the floor, now he plays on the piano.
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I have music in my veins. I just wish I had blood.
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He is such a bad musician, when he plays the National Anthem people sit down.
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* They laughed when I sat down at the piano. Someone had removed the bench.
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* How come you look so sharp and play so flat?
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I know he is a musician, but what does he do for a living?
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He plays the violin exactly like Heifetz. Under his chin.
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To play the harp like an angel you’ve got to practice like the devil.
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He is a considerate pianist. He always wears gloves when he plays so as not to disturb his neighbors.
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* He was studying music for three years. Now he can read music but not play it.
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