1, or 2, or 3 Liners
H
Hair
* Hair is the only thing that will prevent baldness.
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One thing about baldness, it’s neat.
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She’s so tough she uses barbed wire for a hairnet.
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She’s dyed her hair so many times she has Technicolor dandruff.
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* Rubbing hair restorer into your head will give you very hairy fingertips.
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Being bald has its advantages: you’re the first one to know when it starts raining.
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She put salt on her wig to make believe she has dandruff.
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* She has black hair and nails to match.
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Lately my hair is getting thin. So what? Who wants fat hair?
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* Ever since I put grease on my hair, everything slips my mind.
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* My hair is so wavy people get seasick looking at it.
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Tell a girl her hair looks like a mop and she doesn’t mind it, she doesn’t know what a mop is.
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* “How did you lose your hair? Worrying?”
“Yes, worrying about losing my hair.”
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Hand
* First I couldn’t get her off my mind, now I can’t get her off my hands,
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It’s much better to have your hands on a gal than a gal on your hands.
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How to drive a nail without smashing your fingers? Have your wife hold the nail.
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* “May I hold your hand?”
“No, thanks. It isn’t heavy.”
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Pardon me, but I don’t think your hand and my leg have been introduced.
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Hell
* If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill
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I won’t talk bad about hell or heaven because both I have friends.
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Read the Bible – It will scare the Hell out of you. ~ Church’s signboard
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Hotel
Do you have any suitable accommodations where I can put up with my wife?
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When people go to summer hotels for a change and rest, the bellboys get the change the hotel gets the rest.
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If you want to stay overnight, you’ll have to make your own bed. Here are the boards and some nails.
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They just opened a little hotel near the lake and they call it the Dew Drop Inn.
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This hotel is so swanky, you have to wear a tie to go to the swimming pool.
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This hotel is so swanky, they butter your toast on both sides.
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This hotel is so swanky, they show movies in the elevators (lifts).
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This hotel is so swanky, they put out a red carpet on the beach.
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* Boy, what a hotel that was. They stole my towel. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future at what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. ~ Rich Hall
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House
* I come from a broken home. My kids have broken everything in it.
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I call it a dream house because it forever remains a dream.
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* I have a split-level house. I own half and the bank owns the other half.
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I’m enlarging my apartment. I’m scraping off the wallpaper.
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Mother had to let the maid go, because father wouldn’t.
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* There’s no place like home if you haven’t got the money to go out.
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* There are only two kinds of houses on the market: the kind you don’t want and the kind you can’t afford.
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I don’t know who wired our house, but every time the phone rings, the lights dim.
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My landloard is always asking me to pay him his rent. To pay his rent? I can’t even pay my own!
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* There are two happy days with a new house. The day you buy it and the day you sell it.
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We have company in our house every day. The gas company, the mortgage company, and the electric company.
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Our house is so big, when it’s five o’clock in the living room, it’s seven o’clock in the kitchen.
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We were offered a house in our price range, but it was in Alaska.
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Husband
My husband doesn’t know the meaning of fear. But then there are many things he doesn’t know.
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My husband grew a beard and now he kisses me through a straw.
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A considerate husband is one who remembers to oil the lawnmower for his wife before he goes out to play golf.
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Husbands are like cars. If you take care of them, you don’t have to get a new one all the time.
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* Almost every woman finds a perfect husband. It’s usually the man married to her neighbor.
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Husband are just like the government. They promise a lot more than they can deliver.
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“My husband cheats on me!”
“What does that mean – cheat? You mean you didn’t know you should hide your purse and the maid?”
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